When You're Talking to Your Meal
by RainWillMakeTheFlowersGrow
Summary: Anthony and Rapunzel's Prince discuss towers, Johanna and Cinderella talk to birds, and Sweeney shaves and almost-shaves a lot of people.


_Okay, it wasn't my fault. Half of the craziness belongs to Om. This is just some of the randomness that we think would happen if Into the Woods met Sweeney Todd._

* * *

Anthony: So I'm looking for a girl with yellow- sorry, golden- hair. About the color of corn.

Asylum Guard: Sorry, some baker guy came in looking for a girl with hair as yellow as corn. Said something about a curse. He cut off a good chunk of her hair. Not enough left to make a wig, unfortunately.

Anthony: Wha...? O.o

* * *

Johanna: So what do you need it for?

Baker: To have a child.

Johanna: Well, that's a little creepy.

Baker: No, no, it's really not.

(Just then, another girl is thrust into the asylum. Her hair is really, really, long.)

Witch: I'll hide you far away where neither that prince nor any other corrupting youth can ever find you! Ha ha ha ha!

Rapunzel: Well, this sucks.

Johanna: Tell me about it.

Baker: So...much...yellow hair...

* * *

Meanwhile...

Baker's Wife: So, what do you do for a living?

Mrs. Lovett: I bake pies.

Baker's Wife: Me, too! I have a really good recipe with blueberries...

Mrs. Lovett: I fill my pies with the people my soon-to-be husband (hopefully) kills.

Baker's Wife: o.O

* * *

BEFORE THAT...

Sweeney: Hair? I don't have any hair...that's not on my head...

Baker: Any hair! Even the little clippings that fall on the ground when you shave people! As long as it's yellow!

Sweeney: No, I don't shave people...

Baker: What? But the sign says you're a barber...

Sweeney: Oh...heh...right...how about a shave?

Baker: But you said-

* * *

Mrs. Lovett: So he was all, "Try Pirelli's Miracle Elixir" and used lots of big words, and I was, "Awwwww!" and Sweeney was like, "Grrr KILL KILL KILL," but that's what he's always like, and shopping was SOOO FUN, and...

Baker's Wife: This is ridiculous, what am I doing here? I'm in the wrong STOR-y!

* * *

Toby: Try Pirelli's Miracle Elixir, it'll do the trick sir, yes indeed!

Rapunzel: ...I don't think that's my problem...

* * *

Johanna: This is kind of embarrassing, but I like to talk to birds.

Cinderella: Really?! Me TOO!

* * *

Little Red: And a few of those pies, please!

Mrs. Lovett: Boy, your granny must be hungry...

Little Red: GOD THAT'S GOOD!

* * *

In a bar:

Rapunzel's Prince: I knew the moment I saw her, all shut up in her tower with that gorgeous yellow hair that she was the girl I was going to marry.

Anthony: It was the exact same way for me!

Rapunzel's Prince: Of course, that was before she went crazy, got stepped on by a rampaging giantess, and I cheated on her with Snow White.

Anthony: ...

* * *

Witch: So I took their daughter and locked her up far from the eyes of her parents.

Beggar Woman: That sounds familiar.

Witch: And then I cursed their entire family...

Beggar Woman: WITCH!

Witch: Your point?

* * *

Sweeney: So how did you die?

Witch: I didn't. I mean, I might have. There was a lot of cheesy fog machines and such.

Sweeney: So you aren't dead? Want a shave?

Witch: I don't have a beard, idiot. Who do you think I am, Mme. Thénardier?

* * *

Jack: So, do you want to buy this cow?

Toby: Sure! I've always wanted a nice furry pet, but all I had was that lousy wig...

Jack: ...will you give him a good home?

Toby: Nothin's gonna harm him, not while I'm around!

* * *

Witch: Princes wait there in the world, it's true...

Toby: Demons'll charm you with a smile!

Witch: Shut up, fool. This is my song. A curse of infertility on your house.

Toby: Um... Okay...

* * *

Pirelli: You want-a me to shave-a you? I am-a da barber-a of-a kings.

Cinderella's Prince: Ooh...you are? I've always thought we needed a royal barber...

* * *

One of Sweeney's victims: And then they *shudder* ATE ME!

Granny: Buck up, son. The mouth of a wolf's not the end of the world.

* * *

Giantess: FEE, FI, FOE, FUM, I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN!

Sweeney: I keep meaning to clean that up...

* * *

Giantess: WHERE IS THE BOY?

Pirelli: Here-a he-a is!

Toby: IT'S NOT ME I SWEAR

* * *

*in the same bar as before*

Witch: And I said, "No, I don't want you to have any friends except for me! Never leave the house again!" and she just started CRYING!

Judge Turpin: How unreasonable.

Witch: I know, right?

Judge Turpin: How did she react when you proposed?

Witch: ...what?

* * *

*the Wolf is sitting in Sweeney's barber chair*

Wolf: And then she just went off to pick daisies and gillyflowers...

Sweeney: Really now?

Wolf: Yep. That's what I call gullible.

Sweeney: *aside* There's no possible way...to describe what you feel...when you're talking to your meal...

* * *

At the shaving contest:

Beadle: Mr. Pirelli can shave that man. *picks Cinderella's prince, who is clean-shaven*

Mr. Todd can shave that man. *picks the Wolf*

Sweeney: Well, this seems slightly unfair.

* * *

Jack: You're sure you want to get your hair cut _here_, Mother? It looks like a men's barber shop...

Jack's Mother: I _must_ have a haircut today, Jack.

Jack: _(doubtfully)_ All right...I'll see you soon again...I hope that when I do, it won't be on a plate.

* * *

Beggar Woman/Lucy: And then he invited me to a ball...

Cinderella: Really? Me too! We're like, twinsies!

Beggar Woman/Lucy: And then he *whispers in Cinderella's ear*

Cinderella: ... Well, even if you know what you want, that probably wasn't it.

* * *

Beggar Woman: AAAAAAAALMS...AAAAAAAAAAAAAALMS...for a pitiful wooooooman...

Baker: I don't have any money...would you like these beans?

Beggar Woman: Beans?

Baker's Wife: They're magic beans!

Beggar Woman: Yum!

* * *

Baker: this is kind of embarrassing, but I don't know your name.

Baker's Wife: Well, Sondheim never gave me one, but I rather like the name Joanna. Because of, you know, the brilliant Joanna Gleason.

Anthony: I FEEL YOU, JOHAAAAAANAAA!

Baker's Wife: ... That's nice.

* * *

Johanna: WHITE COW AND LINNET BIRD...you know, Milky White, when I traded my green finch for you, I thought you would be a lot more...interesting.

Milky White: Moo.

* * *

Cinderella: No one is alone, truly, no one is alone... People make mistakes! Fathers-

Johanna: Yeah, you're telling ME.

* * *

Beadle: He doesn't appreciate me at all! I just have to follow him around as he-

Steward: Chases princesses?

Beadle: I was going to say 'rapes people' but yeah, that works too.

* * *

_There you have it, folks. You enjoy? REVIEW._


End file.
